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Not reconciling, Jesus says is comparable to murder. Someone says he’s a Christian, so why wouldn’t he initiate reconciliation or welcome someone else doing so? If someone is saved, he would. He wouldn’t continue making excuses for not reconciling with the people he can and should. This is not as much as possible living peaceably with all men, it is not being a peacemaker, it is rejecting a ministry of reconciliation, is not loving a neighbor, and not endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit. I could say he’s just disobedient and unrepentant, but there are often underlying causes that should be explored.
Two root origins of reluctance or unwillingness to reconcile, as told by scripture and what I’ve seen in my experience, are, first, lust or the opposite of which is not acknowledging goodness, essentially the goodness of God, because, as we’ve previously considered, relationship is hierarchical. Children might ignore all their parents have done for them, choosing instead to hone in on what they might think they are missing because of their lust. This is discontent.
Both the first and the second are related, but second, someone doesn’t get his way, and he just wants his way or is proud. Lust and pride are closely related. Both elevate self. For instance, there’s someone I want to reconcile with right now, same person I mentioned earlier, but this person won’t talk or listen with no good reason given. It’s both lust and pride. These are the direct opposite of love.
Lust or Not Acknowledging Goodness
Before someone is forgiving and stops holding grudges, that is, puts away all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamour, evil speaking, and malice (Ephesians 4:31), he might “esteem other[s] better than [him]self” and “look not . . . on his own things, but . . . also on the things of others” (Philippians 2:3-4), which is the mind that was in Christ Jesus (Philippians 2:5). The strife that occurs and continues between people James describes in his epistle (James 4:1-2):
1 From whence come wars and fightings among you? come they not hence, even of your lusts that war in your members? 2 Ye lust, and have not: ye kill, and desire to have, and cannot obtain: ye fight and war, yet ye have not, because ye ask not.
Most often the divisions relate to lust, even as James evinces. Wars and fightings come because someone wants something more than the relationship. If the relationship doesn’t allow for him to have what he wants, he will shuck the relationship for the thing. Or a kind of relationship that favors lust. A teenager fights with his parents over a girl. He has no future with the girl, but he wants her, and his parents don’t want the pairing. Think Samson. The strife proceeds from the lust.
In Romans 2:4, Paul asks:
Or despisest thou the riches of his goodness and forbearance and longsuffering; not knowing that the goodness of God leadeth thee to repentance?
15 This wisdom descendeth not from above, but is earthly, sensual, devilish. 16 For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work.
17 But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy. 18 And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace.
Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth.
Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fulness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore.
Someone Wants His Own Way or Pride
In 1 Corinthians 13:5, Paul says love “seeketh not her own.” Love doesn’t have to have its own way. Sin is always the wrong way, but love itself doesn’t have to have its own way. If it’s a choice between righteousness or unrighteousness, love always chooses righteousness. Having one’s own way sometimes is just not admitting he’s doing anything wrong, what some might call, “digging in.” If a person “gives in,” he thinks he’ll have to keep giving in. He doesn’t want to do that, even if it’s either right or a better way. Nothing can be a better way than his own way. Why? It’s his. Reconciliation seems like a future of subordination and subjugation, where someone else’s way dominates. Even if it is worse, and it usually is, his own way is better. Getting what he wants surpasses all other considerations.
Love does “give in.” It doesn’t seek it’s own way. It wants the best way. Sometimes it accepts a lesser way, because it is someone else’s way.
As an example of relationship, getting married isn’t about getting your way. Like everything, it’s still about God’s way, which is the best way. Married people have to reconcile on a regular basis and “give in.” Saved, married couples will do that. Reconciliation especially needs the leadership of a husband, who will either initiate or accept reconciliation.
The “commitment” of marriage is also a commitment to reconciliation. It has to be a commitment, or couples won’t want to do it. It is the hardest part of marriage, reconciling and “giving in,” letting someone else have his way. If someone has to have his way, he’s not going to reconcile as a habit.
It’s important to know how to reconcile, what the nuts and bolts of that are, but to start with, someone has to want to do it. He’s got to believe in it. It starts with God, what God wants, and finding sufficiency in Him. If someone doesn’t, he’s not going to reconcile. This might be because he or she is not saved. He doesn’t have what it takes on the inside, which leads him to believe lies. Either because of lust or pride, he or she is not ready to reconcile.
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