Statistics and Studies
As of June 2022, thirty-six percent of women said they attended church the last Sunday, but only twenty-four percent of men did (Gallup, 2021). Those percentages are not the same everywhere. Statistics or studies show that men are less religious in gender-equal countries. The Pew Research Center says that women have more influence on a family’s religious practices. Perhaps you are a church leader and you wonder why churches are losing more men than women.
Artificial intelligence, represented by ChatGPT, which culls from the entire internet, says that 60 to 70 percent of women want an egalitarian relationship with men. In 2019, in a Pew study, sixty-eight percent said that gender equality increased in the United States. At the same time and in the same study, more than ten percent said religion has a less important place in society (37%) than said it was more important (27%). Family ties weakened by fifty-eight percent to fifteen percent. I asked AI whether men or women wanted egalitarianism more and it answered:
In conclusion, based on research findings and survey data, it is evident that women generally want egalitarianism more than men, as they exhibit greater support for gender equality, express higher levels of concern about existing inequalities, and actively engage in initiatives aimed at promoting equal rights and opportunities for all individuals regardless of gender.
In the year 1997, the United Nations did a study on women in authority, published in 2000. The study said that women in authority often assumed male attributes, even male dress. Contemporary women executives wear “power suits.” Fourteen percent of men prefer a female boss compared to thirty-nine percent of women. Another study, August 2022, said that 28 percent of women prefer a female boss compared to 16 percent a male one.
Egalitarianism, Complementarianism, and Patriarchalism
Egalitarianism does not help family unity. It results in less prominence of religion. Also, it traces to men less involved in or happy in church. Almost everything I’m saying I don’t think needs statistics to know. I’ve seen it myself firsthand. Most of all, the Bible teaches male authority, a position called “patriarchalism.” The verse in scripture that best represents the totality of the position of patriarchy is 1 Corinthians 11:3:
But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.
“The head of the woman is the man” is axiomatic. It’s talking about society in general, especially in the context of that section in 1 Corinthians. I, however, address for this post the place of men in the church.
Many churches today push their egalitarianism right to the front. They want it. Others say they are complementarian, but they practice egalitarian. Few really believe it. The fewest dare say they are patriarchal. Even some of those only say it, but practice in a greater way mainly complementarianism.
Patriarchy is biblical. It also attracts biblical men. I’m saying masculine men or men who are actually men. A basic and simple test is whether a church comfortably talks about what this all means. The church isn’t hiding its patriarchal belief and practice. It promotes it.
Losing Men by Violating the Man Code
When I talk about losing men, I mean talking about losing real men. I’m also talking about losing those with the male sex, that might not operate as a real man as of yet.
Today, when I say man code, even men might automatically think of male chauvinism that protects bad behavior. I don’t mean that. However, I think of a biblical way that men don’t turn on each other. They’ve got each others backs. It’s not unusual for men to capitulate to women and defy the code. Perhaps in so doing, they give up their man card.
When you read Genesis 3, it looks early on that men want to please women. Adam did. He wasn’t deceived by the serpent (1 Tim 2:14). Instead, he ‘hearkened unto the voice of his wife’ (Gen 3:17) and God cursed him because of it. Even as I write this, some men today look for something wrong. Women might too. This is enough to shut men down and bring a church back to the status quo or a societal norm. Some might call this conventional thinking.
If you want to lose men in the church, you can violate the man code. When I say that, I mean violate the ways God intends to respect the male role in the church. If you want to lose men, just do these things. You’ll lose men fast.
A First Way to Lose Men
Before I talk about a first one, men, understand that you don’t have to push the eject button, just because a man or church violated the code. Give someone a break. Talk to someone about it. That’s manhood. Don’t leave just because your meter sets off an alarm. That itself isn’t manly. Some churches though set off buzzers and keep setting them off. The men disappear.
You will lose your men if as habit or practice, you address the woman and not the man. This could occur many different ways and not in any particular order. All of the following five will apply to this common way for churches and even other institutions for losing men.
Application One
One, in the most simple way, you should walk to the man and talk to the man. Spend time with him first. When you hover around the woman, maybe because the interest she shows, the vitality she has toward the organization, that won’t be lost on the man. He gets it.
The woman exists, but you might need to act like she doesn’t, if you have the temptation to start with her. Draw a circle around him and head into that circle. Ask him about his work. Lead into spiritual things without fear. Don’t act like those things are unusual, but right down main street for a man. Talk to him.
Sometimes women automatically start the conversation. They talk and talk and talk while a man stands in silence. Everyone watches her. Instead of looking at her, look at her husband, and when she gives you a break, start talking to the man and keep talking to him, forcing her into some kind of silence. Learn to talk to him as if he has something to say.
Application Two
Two, when you visit, ask for the man. The woman might arrive at the door, but you ask, where is the man (husband, etc.)? If he is sleeping, that doesn’t mean stay and talk to her. You could ask, “Good seeing you, but when do you think he might be available?” Get the time and get together with him.
Application Three
Three, make appointments with the man. The meeting is with him, not with her. What’s a good time for the man? “When do you think that you and I can meet?” “It would be great to have you over for supper.” “Would like to have coffee sometime?” Do not ask the woman whether they want to come. Go to the man about that. He might ask his wife, but not your asking the wife. Look at him in the eye and talk to him.
Men still break number three all the time with me. They ask my wife about something related to me, like going to mom instead of dad, because it’s easier to get a “yes” answer. Instead of texting me, they text her and ask her if she’ll ask me.
Application Four
Four, don’t talk to the wife about her husband except to say how great he is. Never undermine him with his wife or significant other. You will lose the man if you undermine the man. Even if it looks like he’s got bigger problems than her, you don’t say that to her. If you want to talk about his problems, talk to him about them, not her. She easily can look for your approval for putting him down. Don’t do it.
Application Five
This next one is vitally important. It’s probably the easiest of these to violate, and you really are violating the man code, when you do. Five, if the wife or woman wants to talk about something bad about her husband or man, don’t do it without talking to him first. Part of fake manhood is thinking that you’ve got to rescue some other woman. You could have the false sense that you’re somehow God’s gift to women and all of them should talk to you. Maybe you will need to rescue a woman, but if you don’t want to lose men, you better go to the man first when his woman, his wife, wants to report something bad about him.
I see men violate this last rule again, again, and again. Surely it happens in the work place many, many times. It’s also very much prey for infidelity. She gains a higher opinion about the counselor or leader than she does about her own man. That can become a very difficult barrier to solve in the future for her man (husband). It also brings a possible dangerous closeness with the one listening approvingly.
Even when only the woman is in the church, I want to get close to the man. I show interest in him even when he isn’t interested. Obviously, he might say he doesn’t want any attention, but usually this isn’t the case. He’s a man made in the image of God, so you can respect that about him.
Due Process
I’ve seen church leaders talk to a wife and keep talking to the wife and not include him in the conversation. They call this counseling. It isn’t, because something major is missing. It’s called “due process,” a basic aspect of justice.
A man could have done something very seriously wrong. He may still be doing it. Through the years, I’ve seen that as the case. More times than not, he isn’t and she’s exaggerating or just blaming a situation on him. Even if he is the one doing wrong, the conversation should not go to her, but go to him. This should happen as soon as possible.
Almost immediately church leadership must talk to both parties. “Wait a minute. Do you mind if I let your man (your husband) know that you’re talking to me?” I don’t care how persuasive it might be.
Bring both parties together in Solomonic fashion, but starting with talking to the husband and it’s great if you can say, “She didn’t say anything to me. I told her I wanted to talk to you first. We should do that, but it would be better if we could get together.” For sure you can’t enter into the conversation with the man, having believed what someone else said about him without having talked to him. You can lose men if you won’t do that. They see it as betrayal.
Falling Short of Patriarchy
Violation of one or more of these five points fall short of patriarchy, God’s biblical intention. They betray a kind of practical egalitarianism. Someone reading might say that they allow a man to get away with offenses. That’s not true. Instead they will help salvage a situation with a man and really help him, not excuse or cover for something a man is doing or has done wrong.
Churches all over the country lose men because they break these basic standards of decency and respect. It would be good if they might apologize to men for violating them, and then start over. It’s much harder to respect men who will not operate this way. Through years, I’ve had many men not give me the respect of operating this way. Most of the time, they don’t even know what they’re doing wrong. Then when they find out, they just make excuses for themselves. Excuses over this behavior will make it ever more likely to lose a man, sort of the coup de grace in the process.
I’ve found men want you to treat them like a man. Ironically, men forget or don’t even know how to treat another man like a man. If you want to keep men, you’ve got to treat men like men. This first principle for not losing men is a first in the man code. The five points applying the principle also constitute an important delineation of the man code.
Why Don’t Men Talk to Men?
More to Come
Thanks for this clear teaching. This is what I believe as well, but as I read I thought of a few instances in my preaching that I purposefully included women subliminally because I didn’t want to be offensive to some women who may have been offended. I even justified it in my mind as doing so in order to be applicable to all.
One question on this area that I’ve had for a while. Does women keeping silence in the church include church prayer. Not that I would ever have a woman come to the front to lead in prayer, but if we were all praying, would it be wrong for a woman to pray out loud in the assembly?
Hi Bro Thompson,
I don’t have women pray in public. This, I believe, is the 1 Timothy 2, men lifting up holy hands. It’s an element of worship, regulated by example. Women can lead women and children in prayer.
As some of your reading know, many large denominations now allow and promote women preachers, and it’s something not condemned any more in the Southern Baptist Convention. That ship sailed long ago in American Baptist Churches USA.
David,
In Acts 1:14 the Bible says the church continued in one accord in prayer and supplication with the woman and children. Also in Acts 12 we are the church is praying for Peter to be released from prison. It clearly says the woman and children were praying. Neither of these texts state whether or not the woman were praying out loud or not. It doesn’t say they were and it doesn’t say they weren’t. To me I think it’s one thing to not have woman prayer in a formal church service. I agree with that. I don’t see logically that it’s a problem for woman to pray in a prayer meeting with men there. So any situation where a man is also present you can’t have a woman pray out loud? I can think of a lot of situations where that would be weird.
Kent wrote:
“I’ve seen church leaders talk to a wife and keep talking to the wife and not include him in the conversation. They call this counseling. It isn’t, because something major is missing. It’s called “due process,” a basic aspect of justice.”
Exactly. Did God talk to Adam or Eve, first? Also, notice the how he spoke to Adam verses how he spoke to Eve? Notice what he told Timothy concerning woman? Notice what Paul says “in general” towards woman in Titus and Timothy?
I have always taught, that basically the Bible is “man’s book” in that God holds MEN responsible for their wives and children in the church. I have also taught what a blessing it is to woman when they search the scriptures to see the woman in the bible, good and bad to help they become strong and godly young woman in the home of their dads that eventually leads to great “help meets” for their husbands. Preached sermon of the “great woman” in the bible and associated that with all the woman in OT and NT.
Therefore, as Christians, and an elder in the church, you should never be seen talking to woman alone (there are few exceptions)! Either her husband is present or her father is present, for you are encouraging them to lead their woman. Who should then be teaching the woman specifically according to 1 Corinthians 14?
It is imperative that men in the church recognize this and start to minister to the men of the church. In most cases, if a man begins to attend a bible believing church, the woman that are spiritual, will follow. As far as I can tell biblically, unless a woman is a true widow, there are no exceptions in having a strong congregation of saints.
Tom
Tom,
Your comment is exactly to my point. I think it is terrible that you would tell your church it’s man’s book. That’s not to deny the reality of the roles that God has put on man as leader of the home etc. But your attitude Tom denies the reality that in Christ there is neither Male nor Female. This thinking leads to Pastors making woman and young girls who have been sexually abused apologize to their abusers. Yes I have heard of this actually happening and it’s shameful. Woman aren’t always the problem. Sometimes husbands and Pastors can be proud and look down at the woman and treat them like second class or worse.
I am not arguing for egalitarianism or complimentarianism. I am just pushing back where I perceive imbalances.
I’ve disagreed with Tom plenty enough on here for positions, but when Tom says it is a man’s book, writing this to a man, I get what he’s saying. He’s saying that the man takes responsibility for this, and that is true. Male and female created he them and they are one in Christ, but this relates to essence, not authority. Just like God is the Head of Christ.
“This thinking leads to Pastors making woman and young girls who have been sexually abused apologize to their abusers.”
That is a great example of evil surmissings! Where in the world do you come up with this ignorant statement based on what I wrote? If a pastor abused a woman, even his wife (in the mouth of 2-3 witnesses), I would personally like to take him in the back and “lay hands on him” (Nehemiah 13:21) for being a perverted fool! At least, I would “rebuke before all, that others also might fear” (1 Thessalonians 5:20)
You obviously have not spent time actually reading the bible and understanding God’s view from the beginning. He spoke to Adam, not Eve! She might have been their listening, but you should never get the idea, at least after the fall, that God raised up only MEN to whom he gave covenants, prophecies, dreams, visions, etc. Woman are NEVER spoken to directly by God where he says to any of them in order to minister to men or a nation, “Thus saith the Lord”.
Do not run to Debra, an exception, where a man was not being a man, much like today. Another is Lot, who also did not act as a man, running away from his responsibilities to minister the wrath of God. His wife was killed, and that man had no sense at all in being a man, letting his confused and perverted daughters “run the show”. Yet, according to the NT, he was a “saved” man who kept to himself because he was afraid of the sodomites around him. This is part of the Laodicean mentality is prevalent today, even among many Baptists.
“The fear of man bringeth a snare” (Proverbs 29:25)
Tom
I agree, Tom.
Amen, Pastor Brandenburg. There’s everything good here in this post and subsequent posts, I hope. Thank you.
Thanks Bill.
I am somewhat unfamiliar with these terms egalitarianism, complimentarianism, and Patriarchalism. The one negative thing with the patriarchal system, I believe, is that it tends to cheapens woman and their opinions and always gives the benefit of the doubt to the man. Example of a husband is being a coward at home and is lazy and abusive verbally or whatever and the wife needs to talk to talk to the Pastor about it so he can help set the man straight, it almost seems like the Patriarchal approach would just assume the woman is being dramatic and overstating it.
I believe Debbie Pearls book “Created to be His Helpmeet” has this kind of thinking. Over and over again her response to woman whose husbands are being absolute jerks, is to just bend over backwards to accommodate his demands and ultimately enable his bad behavior. She even gives examples of how her husband was quite obnoxious and childish and her attitude was basically, the husband was always right and you just lay down like a floor mat and let him do whatever. Ridiculous!!
Also, Patriarchalism could tend to situations where the Pastor won’t even talk to the wife. He acts like woman are less valuable and that he only Pastors the man. I agree the Pastor should do his best to lead the men to lead their families but I absolutely disagree that the Pastor should only talk to men. There are pit falls he has to be mindful of but I believe some Pastors have a default mode where it’s always the woman’s problem, or the woman is always being dramatic and overstating it.
I believe the way you caricature woman in your article indicates you have some actual unhealthy views of woman. I am curious what your wife thinks of the article.
Ryan,
You are totally wrong that the man gets the “benefit of the doubt” with patriarchy. That is a very pessimistic view of patriarchy. Wow. Patriarchy in no way says the man gets away with anything. Christ is the Head of the man. This isn’t arbitrary. He literally is the head of the man. That’s not lesser than the man being the head of the woman. Christ heads the man through the church, so that is a man’s accountability, but how do you do it? Do you believe in unconditional love? I’m guessing yes. A man unconditionally loves his wife. Are you caricaturing the man in his role. I would guess that occurs in this culture, ten times more than the woman gets it, at least. Ryan, do you believe in unconditional respect, which is taught in scripture too, but very often rejected by a culture that is depraved and essentially reprobate. Do you believe in unconditional respect? I’m guessing, no. Women get love, yes. Men don’t get respect. Not in your book. Instead, men get drugged in the public school and feminized. Are you there for them? Unlikely.
I’ve never read the Pearl’s materials. I’m an expository preacher. I didn’t just fall off the back the of the turnip truck. You also are showing you don’t understand patriarchy. Scripture talks about the husband ruling his own house well. Ruling. Your assumption this means the man gets away with things, just wrong, bro.
You’ll need to show me something specific about “caricaturing women.” Actually, I went out of my way to put disclaimers against what you assume. Not enough for you though. Maybe we need a word for that, something like “man-shaming.” 😀 You would be an example of actually losing men, because of the assumptions you have about men, in a sense, reading like a self-loathing man.
Can you explain what you mean by unconditional respect? What does that look like if you have a Christian father who is controlling and verbally abusive. He manipulates and has the family always on the edge. Does unconditional respect mean the wife never tells the husband she thinks he is wrong and that the way he is responding to the children and her is not right? Does that mean if she doesn’t bow to his ever unreasonable demand that she is disrespecting him? Is this disrespectful? And I am not making this up. I am talking about real life situations that I know personally.
Christ does love us Unconditionally. He is also perfect so there is no reason for any of us to ever have an attitude of disrespect.
I am not trying to just be disagreeable. There is a lot of what you said I agree with. You are right we live in a culture that has neutered men and always makes them the problem. As a result of that woman with the feminist push in our society undoubtedly start with an unbiblical balance. Both men and woman have to align biblically. I want that and seek that.
I also agree that the Pastor does need to be primarily focused on getting to the man. I am just reacting to what I have seen can be a tendency by some to almost treat woman as these silly people who just talk and talk and seek attention etc.
Ryan
Ryan,
When you read the consequence of the Holy Spirit, God Himself indwelling someone, what that produces, you get husband loving wife and wife what? Respecting/reverencing/submitting to her husband. Read the last verse of Ephesians 5, they are viewed as equals — love and respect. Yet only one is unconditional? Not believing this shows someone does not understand God’s rule in the life of someone. When He rules the husband, the husband loves the wife. When He rules the wife, the wife subjects herself to her husband. It’s interesting that you bring in the bad behavior of the husband. If the wife misbehaves, no question, the man loves. He misbehaves, she doesn’t have to respect. You’ve bought into the world’s philosophy here, if you think that.
Her respect is not a pass to the husband any more than his love is a pass for her. Love is of God, but respect is also of God.
Nothing I’ve said, says, treat a woman as silly.
Please think about this Ryan. I’m surprised that you have zero examples of misbehaving women, only those of men. I could give example of men pages and pages long. In the age in which we live, I don’t think husbands not loving their wives is not anything less than wives not respecting their husbands.
Kent,
I understand to some degree what you are saying in application 5 but at the same time how does that practically play out? Let’s say the husband gambles their money away, or he drinks alcohol and gets abusive or maybe the husband who is a church member has a porn problem. The wife comes to you as the Pastor and the second you can tell she wants to talk about her husband even before she says what the problem is, you stop her and say let me talk to your husband first. When you go to the man what do you say? “Um, your wife came to me and she wanted to talk about a problem you have. She didn’t tell me what it is. Can you tell me what it is?” The man’s reply would be “I don’t have a problem.” Then he would chew his wife out or worse.
Honestly, how would you deal with a situation like that? God clearly put the church and the Pastor in a place where they can look the man in the eye and say, “your wife says this is happening. Is that true?” If he admits or it becomes apparent that there is something there now there is someone who can stand up to the man and level with him and try to help him.
Can you tell I think this article is already out of balance 🙂 or maybe I am not understanding what you wrote.
Hi Anonymous (Of course),
I put enough disclaimers in this article, I believe, to “get it.” It’s fine asking, but why assume that we are allowing someone to get away with what you are describing. The accountability would be there, so that someone would be judged appropriately, starting with one-on-one and then two or three, the order of Matthew 18. If the goal is repentance though, you’ve got to involve the man as soon as possible. I don’t know how much you have dealt with people to help them, but if you want to keep men, you’ve got to show some trust. This is also the idea in 1 Cor 13 — believe all things, hope all things, etc.
The wife and the husband and the pastor or the pastor and one or two other men sit down together with both husband and wife and talk to them together. Do you visualize that? I don’t mean that as an insult to you.
The other side of this is a woman who trashes the husband and then when you start digging in, truly, she’s got her own problems as plain as the nose on her face, and she can’t see them. Consider the Solomonic decision between the two women in the baby. One of the women is claiming that the child is hers (if you know the story), and the child is not.
Anonymous, these are biblical principles I’m espousing. It’s not an attempt to synthesize between a thesis and antithesis and find the sweet spot in the middle. God is just.