On July 13, David Litt wrote an opinion article in the New York Times, entitled, “Is It Time to Stop Snubbing Your Right-Wing Family?” Apparently, Litt served as a presidential speech writer in the Obama White House for four years. Today, Sarah Jones in the New York Magazine, Intelligencer, wrote a piece called, “It’s Okay to Go No Contact With Your MAGA Relatives: Love Isn’t Always Enough.” Jones was writing a response to Litt. On social media, she called her article: “A defense of politically-motivated family estrangement.” She also wrote:
Instagram therapists won’t help you navigate your most fraught relationships — but neither can Litt or commentators like him. Sometimes the act of knowing a person leaves you with no choice but to move on without them. If my parents liked Alligator Alcatraz, I’d no longer speak to them. If they were rude to my LGBT friends, I’d block their numbers. Though shunning won’t work as a political strategy, there are still natural consequences for the way we speak and behave. It’s good, actually, to have values and draw lines accordingly, even if there’s a chance someone will overcorrect. Politics never stopped at the family front door. Why pretend otherwise?
Someone else said that Jones “is going out of her way to slam democrats who think that they can have a family relationship with republicans.” I am addressing the subject of unbiblical and extreme forms of separation. To some, this might seem “rich,” my opposition to a kind of separation, since I am an avowed separatist, as a descriptive characteristic of me. But no. I’m also against wrong forms of separation, represented by these articles. I call this kind of separation, “cutting people off.” I oppose that and always have.
God, Immanence, Restoration, and Due Process
Scripture unequivocally teaches separation. This is a fundamental quality of God, as revealed by Himself about Himself. He is transcendent, majestic, and apart, but God also is immanent. He visits, calls, and pursues. This falls under His goodness, love, grace, and mercy. When Adam and Even sinned against Him, He sought reconciliation while they hid from him. Their hiding could represent the unbiblical and extreme form of separation. It wasn’t God separating from them, but them from Him.
Biblical separation is restorative. It requires attempting to reconcile, to stay or keep together, using means laid out in scripture. Cutting people off ignores due process.
With due process, individuals must be informed that legal proceedings or actions are being taken against them. They have the opportunity to present their case and defend themselves against the accusations. The judgment comes from a fair and impartial jury. The procedures are fair and just.
The one canceled might find out that, even though he didn’t hear anything in person about what he did, the separating ones do talk to other people. They justify their actions to others, who perhaps just believe it or ignore it. He never receives a call to see if what that person heard was correct or right. This is a major aspect of denying due process to him. He finds it difficult for awhile to understand why this happened or what he did for this to happen. He just doesn’t know.
Pandemic of Ostracism
We live right now in an era, and this is in the nature of a worldwide pandemic of ostracism. It goes by many various names today: cancel culture, quiet quitting, and blacklisting. Even though biblical separation means separation from other people, it does not operate in this same manner. Biblical separation occurs for the person from whom someone separates with a constructive, caring goal. The Lord Jesus Christ lays out the format for this, which includes multiple attempts to reach out to the person. The Apostle Paul writes in 1 Thessalonians 5:14, “Be patient with all men.”
No doubt separation must occur out of obedience to God and His Word. However, the cancel culture exists with the purpose, not for others, but for self. In this, someone separates for himself. The target of the separation offends him personally. Many times, the motivation is called self-help or for personal mental health.
Restitutive
Our church in our town separates from other churches. I don’t attend ecumenical meetings in obedience to biblical instruction on separation. This does not mean that I don’t engage with the other churches or people who believe differently than me. Just the opposite, I like and want this engagement. We can’t worship together. Biblical separation requires this, but the purpose is among others, restitutive. I want to talk about the truth with everyone, even at the expense of hearing their error.
The false doctrines and practices of other people and churches requires a biblical form of separation. In 2 Corinthians 2:5-11, Paul addresses the Corinthians’ failure to welcome back the disciplined member from 1 Corinthians 5. He urges them to forgive and comfort the individual, as the previous punishment was sufficient. This passage highlights the importance of restoration after church discipline when repentance is evident.
Israel and Assyria are mortal enemies, and yet God sends Jonah to preach in the Assyrian capital of Nineveh. Jonah wanted separation, and God forced Jonah to go anyway in this popular narrative. The Jews of Jesus’ day avoided traveling through Samaria, but Jesus must needs go through Samaria in John 4. Because He cared, He reached many Samaritans there unto salvation, including the woman at the well.
New Phenomena
Someone who drops another person with no explanation — that isn’t biblical separation. Just disappearing, “ghosting,” is not godly, right, or loving. Many reading here, especially middle age to older folk, likely see and understand this unbiblical and extreme separation as a new phenomena. It may have occurred in spots, but not of the widespread nature that it is now. It proceeds from some kind of wrong thinking or philosophy. Those attempting to explain it will say that it proceeded from technology or social media.
Technology like texting and social media make it simple to vanish from someone’s life without a trace. They allowed individuals to block or unfriend with ease, avoiding the potential confrontation or awkwardness of a direct breakup. The abundance of options, a perceived endless choice, can reduce investment in any single relationship, making it easier to simply move on to the next person. The nature of online interactions can reduce empathy and social accountability. It can be easier to ignore a screen name than someone you’ve met in person and developed a connection with.
No doubt, fear increases. Over thirty times in the Bible, God says, “Don’t fear.” Fear increases in a day of apostasy. Many individuals cancel or ghost to avoid the discomfort and potential conflict of a breakup conversation. Jordan Peterson calls it a “world increasingly allergic to discomfort to the messy work of human connection.” They might rationalize that this type of separation is less hurtful than a direct rejection, even though the lack of closure can be more painful for the ghosted party.
Explanations
Individuals more often lack the emotional maturity or communication skills to navigate the complexities of relationships and express their feelings openly. Some call this an avoidant attachment style, where individuals fear closeness and intimacy, and thus just withdraw. You can find psychologists, albeit even a minority of them, who will suggest this.
If autonomy is threatened, as a self-preservation mechanism, someone can avoid potential emotional pain or rejection. Through social media, the sheer volume of online interactions, experts say, will lead to mental fatigue, where people simply can’t keep up with all their conversations and may resort to just dropping people as a way to cope. None of this is a completely new phenomena, ending relationships without a clear explanation, but it is far more prevalent than ever before.
What Spreads
I say that this unbiblical and extreme form of separation is at pandemic level, because it spreads. That isn’t new. Bad belief and behavior spreads. When a few tribes of Israel in Numbers 32 told Moses they didn’t want to fight with and for their country to get the land, he rejected that, one reason — that it would spread. It spread forty years before when ten pessimistic spies influenced the whole nation against conquering the land. Moses didn’t want to see that occur again. Bad ideas will spread. One person says or does them and others justify themselves to do the same.
Ironically, less of this extreme separation might occur if people would reject it. They won’t shun the person for doing it, but they will give the appropriate harsh response it deserves. Do not do this! It isn’t good.